Friends.

I'm so blessed with the many friends who had been there for me all these while. Really blessed and sometimes, I piss myself off because I just can't appreciate them and still find faults in them, which I not supposed to. 

They say an average person will only have like a few close friends but somehow or rather, I don't quite believe that. I have friends that had stuck to me since secondary school days, and now, there's more poly friends. They are those who had been keeping me going on all these while. As much as they don't know what is going on, they can never fail to make my day at the end of the day. Sometimes, I don't even think I deserve such luck to have all of them in my life. 

To be honest, sometimes, I just love pushing people away because I am scared. 
I always get paranoid whenever I get close to a friend. Probably because of my past. Been having bad experiences in my friendships in the past and you see, humans see like this, the more you get hurt from the same reason, it's really hard to believe and stay strong. instead, we tend to avoid any possibility of the same thing that might happen again. That's the issue I'm having right now. 
Yes. I know I cannot expect all these people around me to understand and put themselves in their shoes. And I shouldn't be demanding that as well, it's definitely unfair to them. 

But at times like this, I really don't know what to do. It's like I need to push them away but hang on, I don't want be left alone like this. 
But thankfully I have these bunch of friends who always know the right words to say, the right things to do. Maybe they don't know but some things really made my day before. 
As much sensitive I am, I shouldn't expect them to know what they are saying. I will control. I've never been a good friend. So maybe that's one if the things I really need to do. 

Always grateful for them to be part of my life and accepting who I am and what I do. They've been the best.